I Need A Beer Or Ten

On returning to the hotel we found out that quite a few of the others had gone straight to Secrets bar to take in the Après ski live music that started at 5.30. So as not to miss out we trotted along as well, plus I needed a well earned beer after all the aggro from earlier.

Well I don’t know about the live music, but there was certainly plenty of live talking! As we entered the bar the guy was just finishing a song and then spent the next 15 minutes or so chatting with small audience who had sat to listen to him. I think in the time we spent in the bar the guy managed to sing about 3 songs and spent about 10 minutes chatting between them. Hardly the musical extravaganza I was expecting.

We returned to the hotel and once again got ready for another culinary experience in the dining room. By now it was becoming obvious that the waiters were becoming increasingly agitated by the fact that hardly any of us were sat on the same tables we had been the night before, and as a consequence they were taking the food, ordered hospital style the previous day, to the wrong tables. This was causing them great confusion, and they kept trying to insist that we sat at the same table every night. That just wasn’t going to happen.

As for the food, people were starting to comment on the amount of salt in it. This might explain why the steps to the hotel were still very icy as the chef obviously needed all the salt he could get to try and make the food taste better!

After the evening meal, a lot of us headed for the Polar Bear bar, so called because it had a big plastic polar bar over the door. After whiling away a couple of hours in here with a few beers and idle chit chat, some of decided we would take a stroll to the Avalanche night club and see what it was like. Well the place didn’t exactly seem busy when we arrived, and after a bit of confrontation with the bouncers, Les eventually managed to persuade them to let her go upstairs and take a look. She was soon back down say that there were about a dozen people there and the place was dead, so we left.

From here we headed back up the street and made our way to Smokey Joe’s, it wasn’t exactly throbbing in here either but at least they were playing some good music and the pool table was free so an impromptu tournament ensued. Don’t know who won but with the DJ playing some Black Sabbath and AC/DC at my request I was more than happy and couldn’t care less.

We eventually left when the bar closed and ended up in the Board Room which seemed to be the only place still open. There was just a few French in here with some of their terrible music playing, but by now the beer was really starting to take effect and all was well with the world again and life was just dandy! After just 1 more beer, this bar closed and we were kicked out, so it was off to bed.

Bloody Snowboarders!!

Monday morning and once again we are greeted by blue skies and sunshine, so without hanging about it was down to breakfast for an awful cup of tea and then backup to the room to get ready for another days skiing. Les popped in to ask if I could carry her sack of oranges as she didn’t have room in her tiny rucksack, which is shaped like a zebra and called ‘Ziggy’! Hmmm, very practical then.

By 9.30 we were all set again and decided to head straight up the Pied Moutet as we now realised you could get to it by the Super Venosc chair which was in fact the nearest lift to the hotel. So, with myself ladened down by green grocery we set off. Today our group had grown in size as we had been joined by Lisa, on her blades, the two Andys on their snowboards, I don’t know who let them into our gang but it wasn’t me!!! And finally Malcolm, who for some reason we thought was called Bob?

From the top we skied straight down to the bottom, again the slopes were virtually empty and the snow was excellent. Our decent was a bit slow as we had to keep waiting for those people not using conventional methods for sliding down mountains, i.e. snowboards and blades. They really want to start using proper skis again, and then they might not fall over so much and go a bit faster.

Once we eventually reached the bottom we headed back to the main part of the resort and made our way to the Panoramic restaurant where it was time again for elevenses. So, after a hot chocolate with a splash of Drambue (God! Skiing holidays are such hard work!) we made our way up to the Glacier. At the top of the double T bar we carried on to the far T bar, which is a flat walk and a bit of a pain in the ass. This takes you right to the very top where we took in the stunning scenery, if you like views of snowy mountains this is a good place to come.

After a couple of runs on the top piste, which was a bit hard and icy, we decided to head back down via the red run Dome which joins up with the blue Signal. Absolutely awesome skiing here with flat out big carving super G turns. So we did Signal again. As we had planned to head back to the Panoramic for lunch we had to take the red run Envers du Signal which starts off very steep, narrow and icy. A really good test for your edging technique. This joins up with the red Breche which runs down to La Toura and the restaurant, and this is another excellent piste. All in all Monday morning was a fine morning’s skiing. What a shame it was to be spoiled by an idiot on a snowboard.

After lunch, Les, Karen, Gary and myself headed back up to the Glacier on the 8 man chair. We were sat on the left of the chair and to our right were 2 Brit snowboarders with obviously the i.q. of a pair of primates as the only word they seemed to know that had more than one syllable started with ‘F’ and ending ‘King’. Now I’m not being prudish here I am just trying to demonstrate the mentality of these morons.

When we got to the top of the chair we all skied off in a straight line to clear the lift, however the cretin on our right decided to go immediately left crossing our path and taking all 4 of us out, we all ended up in a heap on the ground and he went on his merry way. What a tosser!! Les and myself were unhurt, but Karen and Gary both twisted knees as going over at such slow speeds meant their skis did not come off. Now the dickhead on the board had in fact not gone very far and was stood talking, or more than likely grunting to his mate, and after Les and I had got the others back on their feet we were all set to confront this knob. Unfortunately I think he had realised this and swiftly slid off down the piste.

Now with the afternoon somewhat ruined Karen, decided to call it a day and made her way back to the hotel. Gary decided to soldier on bravely but after a couple of runs on the glacier it was obvious that he was in great discomfort so we thought it best to head for home too. We managed to get him back to the top of the Jandri bubble so he could get back down to the resort without have to ski the black and now very icy Valatin.

Les and I carried on down, but as this was now the only run open back to the resort it was very busy. However, I was able to negotiate about three quarters of the way down before I heard that all to familiar scraping sound of an out of control snowboarder. Fortunately for me I had just made a pole plant to turn and the boarder bounced off my fist and ended up in a crumpled heap. I must admit I had a rather satisfying smirk on my face. This guy was also another Brit but at least he had the decency to apologies for his carelessness. I got down without further incident and arrived back at the hotel in one piece. And I still had a full bag of oranges in my rucksack!

Now some of you may be thinking that I am being extremely negative about snowboarders. But I would just like to say that I do recognise that snowboarding is now a mainstream activity and not the fringe fad despised by most skiers it once was, and I also know that not all of us skiers are perfect. However, there is still, in my opinion, a small minority of snowboarders who are mindless ‘F’ ‘King’ ‘W’ ‘Kers’ who show no consideration for anybody else on the slopes. But as long as they stay out of mine and everyone else’s way, we will all be happy!

Right then ‘nuff said, the next post will be in a lot more positive and lighter vein!

You Can't Get A Decent Cup Of Tea!

Day 2 of the holiday and we awoke to clear blue skies and glorious sunshine, and from an initial inspection of the mountain peaks it certainly looked as though the wind had dropped. So, it was with a small amount of trepidation that I went down to breakfast, but there was nothing to worry about. The continental breakfast was absolutely fine. The only minus point, and this is common wherever I have been skiing, except in catered chalets, is that you just cant get a decent cup of tea!

Personally I think it’s high time the E.U passed a directive that insist that all catering establishments throughout Europe use boiling water when attempting to make our national beverage. I mean, in Britain we don’t make French fries without boiling oil or try to cook pasta in tepid water, do we?

By 9.30 most people were assembled outside the front of the hotel ready for the first full days skiing, and various groups formed as people set off on their merry ways. Our little group’s plan was to get the Diable bubble and make our way to the glacier. However, on reaching the bubble we were confronted by a queue consisting of half of Christendom.

Now, we have been skiing a good few years and don’t do queues if we can help it. So our revised plan was to get the nearest drag lift and work our way across the nursery slopes and get the Jandri express gondola. This we did only to find the rest of Christendom queuing for this gondola. Damn all these French day trippers, how dare they come skiing on Sundays! Why can’t they be doing something else, like learning how to make tea properly?

Anyway, undeterred and in order to maintain the entente cordial we decided to give this queue a miss as well, as we realised that the lifts going up to the Pied Moutet on the other side of the resort were running and the slopes looked very quiet and were also bathed in sunshine.

As we made our way down to the bottom end of the resort we paused briefly to show the others the chalet Gary and I stayed in some 14 years ago! Yes we’ve been skiing together for that long; maybe it’s time to publish my skiing memoirs. On reaching the bottom we boarded the chair that takes you up towards the Pied Moutet. This lift takes you over the main road into Les Deux Alpes and also crosses over a small muddy paddock where 2 horses were grazing on a fairly substantial pile of hay. Is there any significance to this observation? Maybe or maybe not, you will just have to keep following this blog to find out.

Once we were up on the Pied Moutet we found some excellent skiing on very quiet slopes with superb snow. This is the type of skiing I like, blasting down an almost empty piste and not having to pick my way through ski schools, snowploughers and ‘Sunday Drivers’ on skis. After an hour or so of this, and following the obligatory is somewhat childish snowball fight, we decided it was time for elevenses. So we headed off for the Restaurant Kanata where it claimed to serve ‘The best hot wine of the Alps’. No, this is not a typo, that is what it said on several large banners at the restaurant. With such a bold claim we were left with no other choice than to put this to the test. So was it the best hot wine of the Alps, well who’s to say? It was all jolly pleasant and is what a skiing holiday is all about.

After our little break we skied back down to the bottom in order to start make our way up to the Glacier where hopefully we might meet up with some of the others for lunch. So, several chairlifts, a bit of walking, the cable car and not much skiing later, we found ourselves up at the Glacier restaurant. The temperature up here was much colder, in fact it was chuffin’ chilly again and something hot was the order of the day. Now I mentioned earlier that we are not really into queuing, but when food and beer is involved I do tend to make an exception, as by now the whole of Christendom had gathered in the restaurant. Following a fairly lengthy lunch break consisting of queuing, a bowl of pottage du jour, a plate of chips and, of course, a beer I felt suitable refreshed and ready for some more skiing.

We then spent most of the afternoon on the glacier, and despite the rather slow and troublesome T-bars, we had more brilliant skiing on some great snow. Eventually, we skied back down to the resort, and we actually managed to stay together this time, had another swift beer and returned to the hotel.

Back at the hotel, I shared my days experiences with several of the others in the Jacuzzi, it was just unfortunate that the sauna was out of order during our stay as that would have topped of a pretty good days skiing. A couple of hours later I was back down the bar with most of the others ready for the evening meal. Now I don’t want to harp on about what was perhaps the only significant negative point of the whole ski trip. But, at least there was plenty of salad for everyone today, the pasta was ok and the meat course was certainly an improvement on the previous night, unfortunately I don’t think I can report the same for the veggie option.

Anyway, with the evening meal out the way most people decided to go out and sample the Les Deux Alpes night life. We started at Secrets, which was fairly quiet until the bar crawl arrived! Things got decidedly livelier, and we informed by our rep that the bar crawl would be moving on to La Luma and then to Smithy’s. Following a lot of debate amongst ourselves we decided we would follow the bar crawl, but as no one really knew where La Luma was, and when we discovered that Smithy’s was literally next door to the hotel, we decided to stuff the bar crawl and went to Smithy’s.

We did have a slight bit of trouble getting into Smithy’s as when we arrived the doormen we struggling to control a bunch a French students! Damn these French people they get everywhere! Eventually we got in and as I entered the doorman greeted me by calling me sir! I normally get told “You ain’t coming in with those shoes mate! Now p**s off!” Obviously my hat gives me an air of authority, and I wasn’t going to put the deluded guy off.

After a few more drinks and with our group slowly thinning out, the die hards amongst us made our way to the dance floor which was already pretty bloody heaving. It didn’t take long before it was virtually impossible to move without standing on someone or knocking into someone’s drink, so it was time to go. “Goodnight sir” said the doorman and I swaggered off down the street in my newly found self importance.

Now Lisa and a couple of others weren’t ready for bed yet, so we made our way to La Luma after all. On entering the bar we found it occupied by about a dozen people and some god damn awful French ‘Europop’ music playing. That was enough for me and off I went to bed.

Bath, Beer and Bed (But don't mention the food!)

With the first afternoons skiing done and dusted, and people returning from the slopes in drips and drabs, it was time to unpack and find all the stuff that I really should have worn or taken with me that day, like my thermals and the fleecy thing that keeps my neck warm.

After a hot bath though, my body temperature was back to normal and all was well with the world, so it was off to the supermarket for those holiday essentials, beer, nibbles (lots of them), coke to go in my Bacardi, gin and tonic for the ladies and a sack of oranges!! for Les. Then it was back to the hotel to get stuck into our provisions. We just had time to down a couple of beers for Gary and me and a couple of G&Ts for Les and Karen, and stuff ourselves with a few crisp, nut and olives.

Now it was time to join the rest of the gang downstairs in the bar, for some more beer, G&Ts and a few more nibbles. The time had now rolled on to 7.30 and with gay abandon we all tripped into the hotel dining room in great anticipation of the feast that was to follow. Oh dear!! To say the food in the evenings was a bit disappointing would be a major understatement.

Things did not get off to a good start. The waiters came around and asked if we wanted water, yes we all said, can I have your room number then, meaning we had to buy the water. Is there any wine we asked, yes you can buy that as well?

Now the evening meal consisted of a buffet salad, which was not too bad. Except this first night when there just was not enough to go round, a good number of us ended up with a couple of lettuce leaves and some shredded carrot. Ok if you’ve got pointed ears, a twitching nose, and your name is Peter.

This was followed by some pasta, which was just about passable. We also found on our tables, a piece of paper with a menu on it, which as we discovered, was the menu for the following evening, and we had to make our choice that night. Just like being in hospital, and I’m afraid to say that the main course was just like something you would get in hospital! But all you got was meat and one veg? Tonight’s delight was some carrots and a piece of very fatty pork. I should think the poor pig had died from being obese and unable to move. Not the most appetising of meals I ever had.

To compound things even more I had to ask the waiters three times for another beer, and was eventually told that the barman had run out of glasses. My obvious thought was why doesn’t he get of his ass and collected the glasses off the tables so I could have a beer. A few minutes later, the barman did appear, rather reluctantly, did just that and a beer duly arrived.

Still it could have been worse, especially if you were vegetarian. They were served up what looked like a pancake, a crepe I thought. I was later informed that it was in fact an omelette! Where most chefs would use a whisk to beat eggs, this guy obviously used a rolling pin.

Dessert was passable as you cant go to wrong with ice cream and cheese. I had better add that these were in fact served separately. However, it would have been nice to have some biscuits and not just a plate of cheese. I also noticed that as people were going up for cheese the waiters very swiftly spirited away any remaining bread from the tables.

And that was the end of a far from satisfactory evening meal, could it get any worse? Well keep following this blog and all will be revealed.

Some people now retired to the bar and there was talk about going out and sampling the evening delights of Les Deux Alpes, but generally speaking, tiredness was setting in for most as we had all been up at such an uncivilised hour and all that could be managed was a few games of Pigs and Jenga. But we were kept amuse by Les constantly banging her head on the radiator.

So the first day of the holiday drew to a close with virtually everyone, and I ashamed to admit myself include, tucked up in bed before midnight!!

Snow, Sun and Brandy for Breakfast

Welcome to my first ever Blog! And my first ski trip with the AOAC, although I am certainly not new to skiing. I just have never been moved to write about my skiing experiences before.

There are probably several reasons for this, firstly, when I started skiing blogs hadn’t been invented, (and I still had hair) or maybe I was to busy writing letters of complaint to travel companies, in particular Crystal holidays! But more than likely, I just couldn’t be assed.

So that’s the introduction over, on with the blog.

Well, it is always good to get a skiing holiday off to a jolly pleasant start, so on the Friday night I met up with Les, Gary and Karen at what is probably our favourite hostelry, The Somerset Wagon in Chilcompton, for some food and a drink or two/three. ‘Start as you mean to go on,’ as the old adage say’s. Well I am on holiday.

Despite a fairly lengthy wait for our food to arrive we had a most enjoyable meal, which was predictably followed by that typically girlie thing where they say “Oh, I’m to full for a dessert, but if you want one I’ll just have a bit if yours!!.” Sod off I thought, if you want some dessert, bloody well get your own.

Well a compromise was reached and 2 desserts were ordered, one for me and one to be shared by the others. Needless to say Les’s spoon spent most of its time helping itself to my cheesecake rather than the communal one!!

After that, it was back to Karen’s where we were all crashing for the night for a full night’s sleep of nearly three and a half hours.

We now move on to stupid o’clock (4.30 am) on Saturday morning, at Bristol Airport where we meet up with the rest of the intrepid skiers from the AOAC. Having checked in bags and skis, it was off to departures security check for the first amusing incident of the day.

Gary had unwittingly left his full hip flask in his hand luggage! So, with his hip flask not being a clear container with more than 100ml of liquid he had a choice. Now, even the most liver damaged hardened drinkers out there would surely baulk at the thought of downing half a pint of neat brandy in one at 5 am in the morning, especially before breakfast. But not Gary, he did what any self respecting p**shead would do. Just kidding, he poured it away, what a waste. You would have thought that with all the other drinks that had been confiscated there would have been some coke he could have mixed it with to make it more palatable at that time in the morning.

Now there’s a business opportunity, a chain of Airport Security Cocktail Bars stocked with confiscated booze and mixers, serving drinks to passengers as they wait to put their coats and loose change in the plastic trays and to take their shoes off. See you all on The Dragon’s Den!!

Things pass pretty well uneventfully as we board the plain and fly off to Grenoble, but hey, what’s this! Snow at the airport, in all my years of skiing, and that’s quite a few I have never seen snow at the airport. Not exactly deep and crisp and even, but snow is snow and we are going skiing, so things are looking good. (Just like me in my hat)

We now pass through an interesting piece of airport architecture, commonly called a marquee and are greeted by the ‘cheerful’ French immigration officer. I shouldn’t think this guy has smiled since he found out Father Christmas wasn’t real. Miserable git. Leaving Monsieur ‘Appee behind we head off for the baggage reclaim and just so we know we are in France the carousel starts, no bags come out and it stops again. How many more times will it do this, well surprisingly just this once?

So now safely reunited with our luggage we board the coach and head off for Les Deux Alpes.

As we travel along the snow covered countryside and make our way up to the resort, the rep briefly gives us some relevant details about Les Deux Alpes, and then spends a considerable time trying to persuade us to part with more money for the bar crawl, an overpriced trip to Serre Chevalier and phone cards.

At about 12.30 pm French time we arrive at the Hotel La Belle Etoile (More about the hotel later)! With most of the group crammed into the reception area and a good few of us left outside we spend about 20 mins listening to even more details whilst several of us crossed our legs and prayed our bladders wouldn’t burst. Eventually some rooms are made available and we are able to relieve ourselves and get ready to go skiing.

Just over an hour from arriving in the resort a large group of us are ready to hit the slopes for a bonus afternoon’s skiing, and we make the allegedly only ‘400 metre’ walk to the lift pass office at the Jandri Express gondola. Do me a favour! If that walk is only 400 metres then I will eat my black hat. Why the reps couldn’t have told us it was easier, as we discovered later, to the walk 200 metres to a free drag lift and then ski down to the lift pass office will remain a mystery.

Anyway, just after 2 pm we depart the gondola at mid station and put on our skis for the first time. The sun is shining, the snow feels good but that wind is a bit on the chuffin’ chilly side. Undeterred we set off en masse for our first run and it feels great. At the bottom of the run we all jump on the chair lift and head back up again. As we gain height the cold stiff breeze turns into an icy blast, jackets are zipped right up, hats are pulled down and some mild whinging starts, the first doubts about skiing being fun begin to enter people’s minds.

After a couple of hours of this, the thrill of skiing down the slopes and the misery of the lifts going back up again, our large group has fragmented into two smaller ones. One group keen to squeeze every last second out of their half day lift pass carry on bravely. The others decide we are cold and are in need of a drink and food. A suitable refuge is found and its hot chocolates or vin chaud and croque monsieurs all round.

Suitably refreshed the general consensus is to call it a day and head back to the hotel for a hot bath and a proper drink. I am still not sure what happened next to the group. It was decided to take the black run, Valatin back down to the resort. I pointed out that in order to avoid the long walk back to the hotel it would be necessary to branch off, before you get to the bottom, on a green run which traverses the nursery slopes and brings you to the Diable gondola near the hotel. This I duly did but to my surprise I found that only Les had actually followed me.

Where everyone else was I do not know. But we weren’t going to worry about it, and we headed back to the hotel, so ending our first days skiing – To be continued.

If you want to get ahead, get a hat!